Jab Tak Hai Khan

In Yash Chopra’s parallel universe, Shahrukh’s Major Samar Anand is a superhero. This is familiar territory for Shahrukh and he delivers a masterclass on “how to stop worrying and love the bomb”. To survive the movie you have to absolutely ignore any knowledge of Hurt Locker or Memento or logic.

Having said that, there are two things I am mostly worried about. First one is the message the film sends to people about why they should join the army or defence forces. Even in Lakshya, it’s only when Romi (Preity Zinta) ends the relationship with Karan (Hrithik Roshan) that he gets the discipline and mission in life. Similarly in JTHJ, Samar (Shahrukh Khan) joins the army only when he is dumped by Meera (Katrina Kaif) for some incomprehensible reasons.

The second one is regarding taking chances with your lives by going all Rambo with a bomb. No bodysuits! Our man Samar, doesn’t wear any protection and goes on to difuse 108 bombs (in a nice nod to religion again) wearing his army fatigues and a black T-shirt. All that because he has a point to prove (heartbroken, fight against God etc etc). Now, I am seriously worried. What if all electricians in India start touching live wires without any protection? You will die a fool. Don’t attempt it. Please. Even Sachin Tendulkar wears a helmet (and a thigh guard, abdomen guard, elbow guard etc.).

I have said this earlier and I repeat, Lamhe was Yash Chopra’s last great film as a director. It has been all downhill post 1991. The later movies have been saved by great music and nothing else. The problem with JTHJ is its music. One of the worst albums ever, by A.R. Rahman. Yash Chopra uses most of his standard templates in the movie as well and borrows some other templates.

The Nargis Fakri zombie bot: You have no clue about life or love, but you are a hot zombie. Suddenly you meet a man with great singing skills and obviously the secret superpower of winning hearts over. On cue, Shahrukh wants Katrina to discover the real person within her. How? Obviously by dishing out a hot ‘Ishq Shava‘. Trouble! What was she thinking after Samar already introduces himself as Rahul?

The God argument: Amitabh did it. Shahrukh had to do it. He does it in his own style, “Aaj tumse meri jung shuru hoti hai.” While Amitabh did it for his mother, Shahrukh does it for his love. Also, instead of this I would have loved it, if the women of Yash Chopra’s films were atheist. That would have made life much easier. Especially since the entire conflict in the plot rests on a “God promise”!

Dosti ki Line: This is one more addition to the growing list of Bollywood symbolisms and metaphors. Mann ki aankhen, Khushi ke aansoo, Insaniyat ka takaaza etc etc. You will be a changed man or woman after the movie. I assure you.  

The Amrish Puri Transform: It ain’t over till Amrish Puri says, “Jaa Simran, jaa. Jeele apni zindagi.” In a wicked twist, Anushka Sharma transforms into Amrish Puri and says the inevitable, “Ja, jee le apni Zindagi.” I never saw it coming.

The Musical Dance number: Sridevi does it in Lamhe (or was it Chandni?), Madhuri and Karishma do through their ‘Dance of Envy’ and Katrina and Shahrukh and entire London underground do it in JTHJ before crooning, “Ishq Shava”.

Retrograde Amnesia: This is the new cool. Everyone in bollywood is having retrograde amnesia for different time periods. Ghazni started it and JTHJ continues it. Very conveniently the patient goes ten years back in time. Excellent use of the plot device here by Mr. Chopra. Well played.

Sharukh’s smile as a confidence jetpack: You can do anything once you are boosted by the famous Shahrukh smile and a head nod. Anything. Yes, you can, too.

There are two worldviews in Bollywood. One is a Yash Chopra worldview which believes, love triumphs over everything. He is anti-marriage and all such jazz. If you love, you gotta run. A glorious middle finger to societal norms and social institutions like marriage.
The other is the Sooraj Barjatya worldview, which says marriage is bigger than love. A
marriage of families and cultures and not two individuals and hence demands higher sacrifice. In fact, someone from the audience jumped out and shouted, “What kind of message they are pushing to the audience. It is all fraud”, during the Neetu Singh, Rishi Kapoor sequence.

There are gaping holes and absurd logic throughout the movie but you have to ignore all of them. You shouldn’t be worried that the London Metro bomb squad will allow a random individual to difuse the bomb or even get close to it with a, “he knows what he is doing.” You should also not question the apathy of the Indian army who don’t even bother that their top Bomb Difuser is absent and in a hospital in London and in the lovely company of two beautiful women. There are suddenly no bombs to difuse in the interim period.

Rahman’s music is horrible. This is the worst Yash Chopra musical in years. I don’t know what happened during the making of the film but the music is horrible.

Shahrukh is in top form in the movie especially in the second half. I quite enjoyed his performance. Dilip Kumar was born to be a thespian, Amitabh to be the angry young man but Shahrukh Khan was born to be a lover on screen. I still rate Dev Sahab as the greatest on-screen lover but Shahrukh comes really close. He can get away with anything as long as he is a lover. Admit it, how many of you do not want to say this to someone, “Will you slap me if I kiss you?” and go on to plant a full blooded, kiss on the lips and then with that classic Shahrukh facial twitch and smile, say, “Tumne thappad nahin maara!” Do not attempt it. Especially not with Katrina Kaif. Most likely, you will be arrested.

The closest performer to Shahrukh in the movie are the legs of Anushka Sharma. They are a joy to watch and are natural performers. They remind me of the lovely Eucalyptus trees in my beautiful Kendriya Vidyalaya campus.

On Deepawali, Yash Chopra has given us a superhero spectacle about a Bomb defusing bot who has a secret super power. This is what Shahrukh should have made instead of Ra One. A superhero with the power to win every heart over (well, almost everyone’s), and immortality. What a stunning Diwali present.

 

 

Image Credits: ibnlive.in.com, apnatimepass.com

Chicken Khurana is delicious

‘Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana’ is a welcome relief from the noise of the upcoming Diwali releases. Calm, warm and beautiful, almost like the Lalton village, it is set in. For a food movie, it doesn’t have enough food moments like ‘Tampopo’ or ‘Eat drink man woman’ but it makes up for it through the quirks and the characters.

A buaa who is a sanyaasan (Dolly Ahluwalia), smokes pot, sings “beedi jaleile” type bhajans and curses on the side, is a treat to watch. The titular Khurana or Daarji (Vinod Nagpal) farts away to glory and says it is necessary to fart around family members as it increases the love. He is outrageously funny in his scenes (possibly a hangover I carry from Khosla ka Ghosla and earlier DD moments). The other quirky characters include a doting mother who only loves, a younger brother who wants to be like his elder brother, a underwear selling shopkeeper, London gangsters, a highway Dhabawala who wants the recipe of Chicken Khurana and a mysterious Bengali widow.

Which brings us to the lead pair of Omi (Kunal Kapoor) and Harman (Huma Qureishi). Kunal is a natural and is likeable throughout the movie. I wish Kunal Kapoor gets more quality work like this and doesn’t end up a one-hit wonder. He is able to portray the internal guilt and conflict effectively. Huma Qureishi is lovely. The character of Harman seems an extension of Mohsina from Wasseypur at times but I am not complaining. She plays the character of the Punjaban to a T. Her scenes with Kunal Kapoor are crackling, especially when they cook together. I loved the joke about the name on the green board and cracked up. Also charming are the scenes when they drive on her bike.

However the reason I loved the movie so much was because of Rajesh Sharma, who as Tito Mama delivers the breakout performance of the year. Tito Mama is also the character, I identified with, the most. A food lover, Titto stays at the Khurana’s because he is lazy and loves ‘Chicken Khurana’, the dish. He doesn’t want unnecessary conversation when good food is present and is only worried about “swaadisht khaana.” He is consistently funny throughout the movie and unflinching in his attitude towards life and food.

The cooking scenes are nicely done but the details are missing. There is a lot of emotion but the food is missing. There is no chicken in Luv Shuv tey chicken Khurana. Okay, minimal. Being a foodie and someone who can cook meat (marinate and all that jazz), and especially after a recent, gastronomically explosive trip through Lawrence Road and Jalebi Chowk, Amritsar (Surjeet’s butter chicken, Beera’s tandoori chicken and the Amritsari fish at Makhan are still fresh in memory), I missed the food in Luv Shuv.

For a meat lover, it is almost blasphemy but I am not complaining. Post Bawarchi, I think this is the funniest Indian food movie I have scene. Cheeni Kum was an Amitabh Bachchan movie and don’t delude yourself into believing that it was a food movie despite the Hyderabadi Zafrani pulao angle which is only consumed in a parallel universe (In real Hyderabad they just eat Dum Biryani and saalan). I have been told that ‘Salt n’ Pepper’ is a decent candidate for the food movie cateogory. It is on my wishlist.

A good reference point for food in Indian cinema is this song from Mayabazaar, which, as a friend tells me, describes food in excruciating detail. You may also talk about Kalakalappu, A Tamil comedy about two brothers trying to save their Masala Cafe. There is also Madhavan’s Ramji Londonwale. However, these are again just appetizers and the main course is yet to be delivered. Still, ‘Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana’ is delicious. 

The music by Amit Trivedi works like a charm. On a day, I missed Rahman on MTV Unplugged, I was saved by the musical genius of Amit Trivedi. Luni and Kikli are the stars in an outstanding album. The lyrics are funny at times but the Punjabi folk inspired music is beautiful. Compare this with the other fraud Punjabi movie, which has “Po Po” positioned as its chart-buster. 

To quote Harman from the movie, “More jeera than required, a tad more heeng than necessary and maybe a few spices are burnt, but it is very well done.” It’s not perfect like Daarji’s original Chicken Khurana but it is an attempt in the right direction. The movie appeals to the senses and now has made me hungry enough to at least try and cook Chicken Khurana. Off to the kitchen.

 

 

Image Credits

http://en.wikipedia.org/
http://apnatimepass.com
http://bollywood-bytes.com

The Bizarre and the Obvious

This may not be important to you but for me it is the most devastating news in some time. There is a possiblity that Shivaji Satam may quit CID. What, no more ACP Pradyuman?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To help you comprehend the gravity of the situation, let me give you an example. Imagine a match between India and Australia. We are chasing. 18 balls remaining and we need 34 runs. Raina and Dhoni are at the crease. Raina hits a boundary. The crowd goes into a frenzy and then it will happen. A ear-drum blasting “An important boundary for India” by Ravi Shashtri. When the ball cleared the rope, Raina knew it was an important boundary, Dhoni knew it as well. The stadium realised it before creating a sonic boom of their own and the entire nation knew it, silently glued to TV keeping their chips packets untouched and unmoved from their positions. Still, you need that throaty kaboom by Shastri. You are reassured. You are not alone. 

Similarly, when you watch CID, you know everything that happens or is going to happen in the show but still you wait. You may even predict the whodunit,  five minutes into the show but that is not the purpose. You wait till ACP Pradyuman says “Kuch to gadbad hai”. “Kuch to gadbad hai” defines everything that is CID, the only show that has blurred the thin line between prime-time and crime-time. Without ACP, life won’t be the same.

CID has become a habit. The prime-time slots on Friday and Saturday are religiously followed. Even the re-runs on some weekday mornings or Saturdays aren’t spared and it is the only Indian TV Show that I watch on my LCD apart from Kapil’s performances on Comedy Circus.

So, what is it about CID that makes middle aged men like the author go all emotional about it? I have found fans across the universe and the most unlikely person you may know, will be fan. What is this CID business? How has it become what it has become – Sony TV’s blockbuster which is entertaining viewers since 1998! There will be haters but they don’t know what we know. CID is a comedy worth its weight in gold. Don’t try to be smarter than ACP and his team because frankly my dear, you aren’t.

CID also makes for the best TV show companion when you are having food. I have realised this over  a period, it is tough watching TV when you are eating. You can’t watch Tarak Mehta (obviously) or the fakery of Kiron Kher and Karan Johar on various reality shows. You also can’t watch a new movie as there will be an internal conflict between eating and watching. CID is perfect.

What happens in a typical CID episode?

There will be a crime (mostly murder). The case will come to CID or a certain relative of the victim will say, “CID ko call karti hoon” and will go ahead and call them. See, the power of the obvious I told you about. It is already hilarious. Once CID takes over, things get serious. ACP will assign tasks and Daya and Abhijeet will go with their teams to gather evidence.

Now, Daya and Abhijeet are the go-to guys for ACP. Daya, of the bitchslap fame,  is the brawns and the muscle of the show. If you are a criminal and are caught by Daya, may your God save you from that sledgehammer of a slap. He will also famously break a door when asked to, by ACP Pradyuman, “Daya, darwaja tod do” (I think they should innovate on how he breaks the door in each episode).

Abhijeet is well, the Rahul Dravid of the show. Nobody ever talks about Abhijeet and he will most likely retire one sad day. They have done horrible things to the character (even created a lookalike terrorist), yet he perseveres.

They are always accompanied by Freddy, who tries to unnecessarily provide humor to an already funny masterpiece.

Once they gather the evidence or severed organs, they will all assemble at Dr. Salunke’s lab, with ACP Pradyuman, who will use all his facial twitches and vigorously rotate his fingers. The more vigorous the rotation the more intense the case will be.

Ah, yes. We also have Dr. Salunke’s technicolor imaginarium or a laboratory where he mixes chemicals as he pleases and once there is a marked change in colour, gives insights which are beyond mortal TV viewers. We also have Dr. Tarika, who completes the classic Kitty-Karamchand template. However instead of saying, “Sir, you are a genius” like Kitty, all she has to do is to pause her own experiments with chemicals and look and admire the genius of Dr. Salunkhe from a distance, when he explains the changing colors or a frozen ear or a hand made paper to the CID team. She also does some startling discoveries like the handmade paper has an embedded logo and hence must be the signature of the victim. 

Now this is the part when startling discoveries are made and sensational dialogues are exchanged.

Exhibit A:
Salunkhe: Murder saadhe baarah baje huaa hai.
Freddy: SAADHE BAARAAH???
ACP: Daya/Abhijeet, iskaa matlab khoon barah baje ke baad huaa hai. Kuch to gadbad hai.

Then they will decode the puzzle, round up the usual suspects, nail the criminals, get back to the office and on to a new case. For 15 years they have been following the same routine. They have got some new actors who are there to replace the legends but sadly the new actors take themselves far too seriously. On air since 1998, nothing ever changes in CID and nothing else matters. CID is about the obvious and the bizarre. For 15 years, they have transcended the source material and created magic on the small screen. They have made me believe that it ain’t over till ACP Pradyuman says “Daya, darwaja tod do.”

 

 

Image Credits: rediff.com

 

Food Pilgrimage – II

We found ourselves surrounded by a group of Malaysians in a train that was taking us to the final leg of our trip. Sar Zameen-e-Lucknow. The Malaysians were as noisy as the Indians and it felt like payback time. Once they slept off, we had sometime to think back and reminisce over the events of last two days. However we realised, we had already gotten over Vrindavan and were looking forward to be seduced by Lucknow.

All we could remember was Banke Bihari, the aloo tikkis and the copious amount of bhaang lassi. Maybe that was the reason, we felt as if a day had been blanked off our memory. Ah yes, the Peda. We sampled a few Pedas across Mathura for a quick benchmarking and picked some, from the place we felt made the best of the lot.

Next day early morning, Charbagh station welcomed us to Lucknow, not caring that we hadn’t finalised the accommodation. There was no plan, and that was the plan. We decided to take a rick and proceed towards the Chowk and see what is available for a quick grub before (picking) deciding on (the) a basecamp. As one good friend always says, “Never take decisions on an empty stomach”.

Rahim ki Nihari (Akbari Gate, Chowk Bazar, Lucknow) was where we made our first pit-stop. We ordered Nihari with kulche and waited. In no time we were served with the good stuff. It was outstanding. Both of us concurred, it was better than what we had at Karim’s, Delhi. We decided not to ruin the aftertaste and immediately asked the rick, who was waiting for us to decide, to take us to a friend’s place in Gomti Nagar. 

The drive across Lucknow in the morning was magnificent. The city reminded me of Bhubaneswar or more like Cuttack in the morning. Yes, we saw the obvious “statues”. It is difficult not to see them. We reached Gomti Nagar, made a quick stop, took some important tips (where to buy chikan and ittar mostly) and were on our way to, well, Chowk again!

The next stop was going to be the highpoint of the pilgrimage or a devastating heartbreak for both of us. The entire trip was planned around this next event. Yes, it was an event for us.

We reached Tunde Kebabi, Chowk. The original hole-in-the-wall joint that is the saviour of Awadhi cuisine and who have been making the now legendary Tunde Kebabs since the days of the Nawab.

The first bite did indescribable things to my taste buds. We helped ourselves to two portions (12 pieces), each, of the Tunde Kebabs. We had an entire day to eat and so didn’t make it an industrial consumption session. However, we decided to just consume Kebabs throughout the day. Yes, the Tunde Kebabs live up to their legend – you can safely ignore any other Kebab made anywhere else in India.

Before leaving Chowk area we remembered Abbaji. What would Abbaji do? Abbaji from Maqbool, of the “Gilori khaya karo miyan, zabaan kaabu mein rehti hai” fame. Azhar bhai (not the cricketer) ka paan shop is where we were headed.

Absolutely stunning. We were quiet for the next few hours travelling across Lucknow and finally reached Residency. We asked our driver to give us a city tour.

The entire cityscape was awash with billboards and banners starring Akhilesh Yadav. We were travelling during election time and Akhilesh was the architect of the recent stunning victory for the SP in UP and was being hailed as the Chief Minister in waiting. Holi and the recent election had converted the city into a mythical city of festivities.

Bada Imambara, Rumi Darwaza, Clark’s Awadh and such like and we were mostly listening.

He immediately had my attention when he started talking about Tehzeeb, Mujra, nazaakat and suchlike topics. He showed us a building which was decorated with lights. “Meena Kumari ji ne yahaan ‘Chalte chalte, yun hi koi mil gayaa tha’ gaaya tha aur baad mein Rekha ji ne yaheen pe kaha tha ‘Is Anjuman mein aapko, aana hai baar baar'”. While I was not sure of the the facts, it was a hilarious conversation we had with our Autowallah. We had our giloris and were quiet and just listened to him. It was more of a monologue by him.

Apparently, the Mujra culture died because of the sleaze involved with it. Earlier, the Nawabs were Shaukeen and were in it for the culture and arts but later people made it a sleazy activity. “Seedhe neeche aa jaate they, isiliye band ho gayaa sab”.

We reached the Lucknow residency and let go of the auto. We were going to spend some time there. Now, in ruins, the residency is a reminder of the glory days of the Nawab of Oudh and the the bloody incidents during the siege of Lucknow.

It has now become a dating spot with couples retreating to the ruins for their public display of affection. They obviously  were not interested in the history of the place, I can confirm.  

Unfortunately, they ruined most of our photo-tour plans as all the good spots had been taken and we didn’t want to ruin it for them. After spending some time there, we decided it was time to indulge in our next round of food binge and some ittar shopping.

Sugandhco at Janpath market was highly recommended by our friends and that place was a sheer smorgasbord of aroma. We sampled a lot, and bought some. The names were nothing short of legendary (Aab-e-hayaat, Firdaus-e-chaman, Hatim-Tai and such like). The Amber ittar is highly recommended. We were told, it works like a charm. Once satisfied, we went for the obligatory chaat sampling at Hazratganj. Lip-smacking good.

We noticed a peculiar thing while at Hazratganj.  

All the buildings in Hazratganj, including the shops were painted in cream and pink, with white letterings on black signboards. We asked around and not surprisingly everyone had a different story.

Finally we found out that this was the colour scheme of the British Hazratganj, when it was a posh marketplace and to mark 200 years of its existence, they have made it homogenous and restored some of its old ambience. A brand manager’s nightmare but we were loving it.
  
Another landmark nearby is the eponymous bookshop by Mr. Ram Advani.

An institution in itself, we bought some rare, autographed books from the shop. We wanted to meet the man himself but he is not doing a lot of travelling of late and usually comes once or twice in the morning.

Evening was set up nicely for the Kebabs. We decided to leave the Tehzeeb at the hotel and were on demolition mode for the kebabs. Hazratganj, again, was decided upon as the venue for our exploits. We sampled everything. Kakori, Galawati (galauti), Shami and Seekh Kebabs. We had a lot of faux-foodie discussions as well, about texture, flavour and the spices (“A hint of saffron and mace..”, “Lovely texture”), just to believe that we have a food show within us. Please go and watch Chak-le-India. it’s the pits.

Our verdict is, if you want to eat kebabs, Lucknow is the place. Anywhere else is pointless. Tunde, obviously, is the star but I also liked the shami kebabs at Naushijaan.

We retired to our hotel and had a road trip from Lucknow to Delhi through Kanpur and Agra. We sampled some Aloo parathas and massive samosas in Kanpur. Very nice.

We reached Delhi around the evening and wanted to relax. I had an early morning flight to catch so we decided to finish the trip with some blueberry cheesecake at “The Big Chill”, Khan Market. I bought some essential quizworthy books from the fantastic Cafe Turtle, booked the cab for morning and shuddered at the thought of office next day.

The worst part of a holiday trip is the last part when you realise it’s all over and it will be back to the same old faces and lifeforce-sucking cubicles. However, the memories are always the best part. Holi at Mathura, Tunde Kebabs at Chowk and the ruins of Lucknow Residency were some of the best moments in a long time.

These trips are the necessary injections that keep the fuel burning in an otherwise pointless existence. Hope to have many more of them before the spark is gone.

  

Everything is a Remix

I am assuming you have read those posts about Barfi ripping off scenes from various movies (Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Singing in the Rain, Korean films, French films) and  were not left with a high opinion of Anurag Basu or the film after reading that post.

If you have not liked the movie because it didn’t entertain you, fair enough. No arguments over that. It’s a movie and may work for you, may not work for you. You have the right to hate it. Please go ahead and burn every poster but don’t tell me that I am dumb because you didn’t like it or question the fact that I may or may not like it.

Watching a movie is a very personal thing. As a self-proclaimed movie snob, I can claim that none of you are capable enough to understand a movie and you may give up on a
Pen-Ek Ratanaruang movie or even a David Dhawan movie and hence you hate their movies. That doesn’t mean, they are talentless filmmakers or haven’t entertained enough people to get the acclaim they have got. That also doesn’t mean that your understanding of cinema is lesser than mine.

Let’s get some context. The director of Barfi is Anurag Basu and music is by Pritam. First thing you notice about Barfi is the music. One of the best music albums of the year (not talking about the background score). The problem here is that of an image bias and because you know the music is by Pritam, you can’t believe it is original. There is a dissonance and you can’t accept the music for what it is, beautiful. Now you remember the body of work of Anurag Basu (Life in a… Metro, Gangster, Murder etc.). You obviously don’t think of Anurag Basu as a great director. Hey, even I don’t! Now when you watch Barfi, or realise that people across India are loving it, there is a conflict.

Gus Van Sant made a shot-for-shot remake of Hitchcock’s Psycho. It was boring and
failed miserably. The Psycho remake didn’t work but you can’t say Gus is not talented and hence Psycho remake was bad. The Psycho remake was bad and even Gus admits to it. Point I am making is as a piece of art no one knows how people will react after it is created. The fact that people have reacted positively to Barfi means, at some level it has worked despite the source material and the numerous “inspirations”.

Most of the movies are genre dependent and do well to be sincere to the genre. Transcending a genre is a tough ask and depends on the skills of the filmmaker. Every genre has its standard elements or template. As Kirby Ferguson (we will come back to him) calls it, these genre movies have “standard elements that are appropriated, transformed and subverted”.

Now, what is the take on people who take this template and replicate it in a different context? Does the changing of context change everything? Yes, it does, otherwise watching Omkara (Othello) or Thalapathi (Mahabharata) wouldn’t have been such a great experience.

Another thing that I have observed, is a strange phenomenon. I call this the “Kolaveri effect” for riling you more and making my point. This is true for any meme that becomes massively popular, at least in India.

Life cycle of a meme in India:

or

You see some people whom you don’t think highly of, talking about it on Facebook / Twitter and going all out in declaring the big love. You want to see what the noise is about and maybe you have already decided that you are going to hate the movie and you do.

Bringing back the discussion to Anurag Basu, why is it that he is being asked to defend himself on whether he has copied from other films. Just because he didn’t make a great movie earlier, he has copied, while auteurs pay homage?

Why is that an Anurag Kashyap has the capability to pay homage and an Anurag Basu can only copy? Just because the surname is different, you have an opinion on talent? You can hate any of the above, at least be consistent.

If you are not sure of what Anurag Kashyap could have copied, we have an answer: The entire template for his later films. Now, you may say he didn’t copy scenes from any movie. Wrong. He did.

Exhibit A:

Please watch ‘Gangs of Wasseypur’ again and watch the scene where there is a cross connection between people speaking over the phone when they are planning to kill someone. That scene is a straight rip from “Urf Professor” (You may find the enitire movie on YouTube). A hilarious, at times, but overall very random movie by Pankaj Advani which never got a release. This is just a quick example.

Let’s go for the other holy cows.

In light of the revelations of copy-pasting scenes from different movies, does copying scenes from another movie make Barfi a lesser movie or cinematic experience? I disagree. And how many scenes did Anurag Basu copy? Three, five or eight?

Exhibit B:

Everything Is A Remix: KILL BILL from robgwilson.com on Vimeo.

You decide.

The problem is Tarantino makes meta movies and his source material is way too varied to understand the influences. Barfi, admittedly was a Chaplin inspired character and hence had a limited source material to go to. Okay, some Korean and French movies he liked, as well.

Now, let’s take ‘Sholay’. Great characters, great action, great dialogues, screenplay and a classic for generations. Copy?

‘Sholay’ was an early Kill Bill in terms of its influences and has copied / borrowed from Sergio Leone films. The massacre of Thakur’s family, Gabbar killing a fly on his wrist are straight rips (among many other scenes). STRAIGHT RIPS. Still, we love Sholay and claim Ramesh Sippy and Salim-Javed paid homage to the great western movies.

Now, let’s watch this brilliant documentary ‘Everything is a Remix’ by Kirby Ferguson. Kirby brilliantly explains how originality is an overrated concept and copying doesn’t make you a lesser artist. He takes the example of Led Zeppelin and dissects some of their legendary work, including “Stairway to heaven”. Zeppelin copied but that doesn’t make them a mediocre band.

If you see part two of this documentary, he cites the example of George Lucas and Quentin Tarantino and how they have freely borrowed (copied) from earlier classics. This again brings forth the question of what is originality, inspiration and copying.

Our take? Does it matter? It is all pointless. It is your money and your brains. You blow what you want to blow. You can tell me and disagree with me but don’t try to convince me. If a movie works for you, you enjoy it, great. If it doesn’t, hard luck but please understand you are not the only audience for a movie.

Next time you watch a movie, just remember, everything is a remix. Everything!

 

Acknowledgement:

ibnlive.in.com
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/14/arts/14iht-gus.html?_r=0
http://www.everythingisaremix.info/Share

Food Pilgrimage – I

It all started with the question “होली कब है? कब है होली?”. Inspired by Sholay, this question became the nitro boost for a mind-bending trip across the heartland of India. Next thing I know, I was packing my bags and the planned food pilgrimage in Delhi & Lucknow had transformed into a playing_Holi_at_the_holy_land and food trip. Holi at Mathura and Vrindavan was suddenly irresistible.

The research had been done. The all important question of “where to eat” had been answered. Calls to true blue Lucknawis had been made. The fraud food guides were not to be trusted. Delhi, we knew “what” and “where”. Mathura and Vrindavan, we left it to the Lord. There was no other purpose of the trip but to eat. A chikan here, some ittar there, but essentially, eat your brains out.

The trip from airport to Old Delhi was peaceful, thanks to Delhi Metro. Exactly at 8:30 am, IST, I was at Karim’s, behind Jama Masjid, waiting for the life-saving Nihari-kulche to arrive.

After polishing off the bowlful of manna, we (my friend joined me at Karim’s) decided to walk around and kill some time before catching our train to Mathura. Five metres from Karim’s and we saw Md Younus’s Milk Shop and the massive glasses of Lassi and malaai and everything in between.

We looked at the glasses and did a quick mental calculation of whether we can take on those mean glasses. If you have eaten Nihari Kulche (one and a half plate nihari), you would know. We didn’t struggle much and the immediately latched on to the fun stuff.

Pure milk, cream and bliss. Now, we had to walk around. We sauntered for some time and then took a rickshaw from the lanes around the majestic Jama Masjid, and paid a visit to Mirza Assaudulla Khan Ghalib’s haveli in Balli Maran. A visit to old Delhi is never complete without it and our pilgrimage was complete.

The feeling was back and then off to Hazrat Nizammuddin station. Some hilarious railway announcements later, we were off to Mathura on the Holi-day.

Holi at the Holy Land

The moment you land in Mathura, the first thing you realize is how much you suck at Hindi, the pure form. After years of Kendriya Vidylaya education and Gulzar lyrics, realizing that you still suck at it, isn’t a good feeling. However, hope wasn’t lost and we soldiered on. Destination was the Banke Bihari temple. No reservations had been done and we just hoped we will get a dharmashaala somewhere in Vrindavan despite the flood of people, especially the equally jobless firangs.

We hadn’t changed into our Holi costumes, yet. No, not the capes and masks but worthless clothes about to be dumped, almost on their last seams.

Ten minutes and it happened. A shot of stirring water hit me from one side of the auto. I almost cursed myself at ruining my new white linen shirt only to realize it was plain water. Harmless prank. Strike one. We laughed it off and went ahead and a kilometer had passed when a second ray of plasma gun hit my friend from the other side. Still no colored water but it was strike two and like smart sports loving men, we decided not to stretch our luck. We asked the autowallah to park the auto on the side of the main road, stripped and changed into battle fatigues. On the road. Now, it was “bring it on, baby”! We eventually made it to the temple by-lanes with our luggage and had to walk our way through the maze of people already high on Holi. 

We managed to find a dharmashaala with accomodation and immediately checked in, dumped our luggage and readied ourselves mentally for things to follow. Five minutes and we were in the battle zone.

The Nat Geo type lens-Nazis were making us cringe and wanting to go back to our dharmashaala and get back with our well rigged cameras and lenses. However, we decided to f&*# pride and get on with the “higher purpose” of life. Yes, eating. Eating everything one can, in this lifetime and sly benchmarking on the side. But first we decided to pay a visit to the Banke Bihari temple and see what’s the big deal about. Alternatively, we just walked into a stampede.

Yet, in our quest to become one with the Lord, we ignored all attempts by the fellow worshippers, to “outrage our modesty”. There was only one mission, survive. We were part of  an almost-stampede, a higher life form which had taken control. Every living soul in Vrindavan, around Banke Bihari temple had just one mission, blast out colours with all the force they could muster. We were getting carpet-bombed by colors or gulaal from all angles. All angles. There was no hope of survival. 

We survived, made it into the sanctum sanctorum. Interestingly, the chief pujari (priest) who was guarding the idol with a cloth cover was giving furtive jerks to the cloth to allow the people a two second glance and immediately covered it again. Apparently, it was to save the people from the glare of the Lord. We survived the glares, the molestation and the nauseating sweaty bodies and yet, came out unscathed (we still believe that’s what happened). On to the streets now.

We hadn’t even realised what hit us when we heard someone shouting “क्या दुबोएँगे आप?” on the streets.

We immediately knew, this is THE place. Always eat at a place where the people speak your language. So, while I was undecided on what to dubaoo (dip) given my choices were aloo tikkis and massive slabs of paneer sinfully deep fried, I heard a noise. It was the crunch of an aloo tikki which had been recently crunched by a nearby customer. That’s it, the crunch did it. Aloo Tikki was dipped in mutter gravy and served. Bliss. Lords were remembered.

No, we weren’t done. Not yet. A quick round up of the bhaang shops and we zeroed in on a seller who looked visibly animated. Copious amount of bhaang made us incredibly hungry. We proceeded to eat in a nearby restaurant which claimed it used unadulterated shuddh (pure) ghee or what we also call as “death by cholesterol”.

We polished pilaafs, rotis smothered with ghee and any dish which was named Navaratna. We had enough, we thought and decided to retire back to our dharmashaala and call it a day. We had another whole day to go through the entire routine, all over again, not necessarily in the same order though.

 

To be continued….

 

 Image Credits: 

• http://www.durgesh.in
• http://1000wordposts.wordpress.com

 

Bipasha’s “Raaz” in 3D

Towards the pre-climax of the movie, a pret-aatma (spirit) tells a very delectable looking Bipasha, “Jo ek zinda aurat ek zinda mard ke saath karti hai, who tumhein ek pret-aatma ke saath karna hai. Bolo manzoor hai?”. Now, before all of you let your imaginations run wild, the pret-aatma was only asking for a badminton match or maybe doing the dishes or cooking dinner together. We (the audience), however are not able to see what exactly she does with him but I am pretty confident it was a badminton match, very much like the greatest badminton match ever played. Needless to say, she obliges and gets what she wants in return from the pret-aatma. For me, this entire sequence was the high point of the classic that is Raaz 3D. 

Vikram Bhatt is a genius and hopefully he gets his due in the annals of Bollywood, for he understands what Indians want. Indians want to laugh. Loud. He gives them that in the garb of horror. He is working on the bleeding edge technologies (3D in Indian cinema) and storytelling (Black magic, Bhagwaan vs Shaitaan) here. Since Aamir Khan has decided to make everyone weep, Vikram Bhatt decides to be the higher man and make everyone laugh and he is highly successful. Raaz 3D is splattered with laugh out loud moments interspersed with scenes of Emraan Hashmi kissing both the lovely ladies (once, almost on public demand).

Also, there are lessons on deductions, which will put Sherlock to shame. Eesha Gupta looks at Emraan Hashmi and offers him whiskey on the rocks. Bewildered, he asks how did she know, only to be dismissed with a “you look like a ‘whiskey on the rocks’ guy”. Really? Lady, he sells Cobra deodorant for God’s sake.

We won’t get into the plot or the holes within because that will be defeating the purpose of the filmmaker, which is to provide “entertainment, entertainment and entertainment” (Ring a bell?).

There are the standard template fillers and horror movie staples. Go really near the mirror, TV screen, washbasin sink and such like so that you are right there for a deathly choke grip by a hand that can spring from those surfaces. You obviously do not feel it is necessary for you to switch on the lights or wake up people if you are scared in the night. Anyways, we won’t go further into the plot holes as we won’t be able to come back alive.    

There are tantriks, black magic, pir babas, “Kya Raaz hai” type songs, God vs Satan and deus ex machina type elements. The tragedy is the 3D. A comedy that doesn’t need 3D has been thrust upon us (I saw half the movie without those painful glasses).

I was keenly waiting for the third installment of the Raaz franchise and I am glad to say, I am not disappointed. The pay-off is massive. It reminded me of the episode in Flop Show by Jaspal Bhatti where he gets an award for the best comedy when he had made a tragedy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I was entertained.

 

Image credits:

http://www.dipity.com 

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Ten things I learnt from ‘Ek Tha Tiger’

Preposterous, is what Roger Ebert may say, if he ever watches the movie. However, that will be wrong on his part because he doesn’t know what we know and that’s how we roll, baby!   

This movie has so much to learn from that I will go ahead and share my notes with all you needy people. Thank me later.

SPOILER ALERT!

Like the movie, we straightaway cut to the chase.

1. Slowmo scenes – You may be thinking, in the first action scene, right at the beginning, when Salman kicks the bad guy in the jaw [Begin Slowmo], and the bad guy falls on the bed, the cigarette butts go up along with the ash tray and time ceases to exist, you are stunned into an Inception like limbo, Salman bhai shows his face to the audience, more time goes by and people in the theatre go wild [End Slowmo], Jason Bourne would have finished half of Morocco by then. That would be silly because then you are expecting a Bourne rehash with a Bourne sensibility. Kabir Khan is far more skillful. He gives us a Bourne scene with John Woo sensibilities where time can be manipulated, and there are at times, hour long limbos. The problem is, YOU WERE THINKING!

2. The fact that Kabir Khan may be a Chuck fan – While RGV is still stuck at the 47th scene of ‘The Godfather’ for the 4477th time, Kabir Khan has moved on and is on to American TV shows. Since, we promised a spoiler free write-up, we just keep it short and introduce you to Chuck, one of the greatest TV shows ever made. “Don’t freak out!”

3. MacGuffin – MacGuffin is a plot device popularized by, the one and only, Alfred Hitchcock. As per Wikipedia, it is “a plot element that catches the viewers’ attention or drives the plot of a work of fiction. In fact, the specific nature of the MacGuffin may be ambiguous, undefined, generic, left open to interpretation or otherwise completely unimportant to the plot”. Yes. That is what Roshan Seth (Scientist Kidwai) is in the movie. A walking, talking, secret defence technology making, MacGuffin. In fact, he is so unimportant to the plot that post interval, nobody bothers about him.

4. Establishing Shot – “An establishing shot in filmmaking sets up, or establishes the context for a scene by showing the relationship between its important figures and objects” – Wikipedia. This explains the Sultan Ahmed Mosque (the Blue Mosque), dummy. When both the agents decide to react, the action is already in Istanbul, remember. Almaty international airport is almost empty but distinctly visible when we are in Kazakhstan and when we are in Cuba, we see a lot of open top classic cars being driven across because that’s what every movie shot in Cuba shows. Oh and there will be random Cuban musicians and drummers on the road. Established and executed.

5. A RAW agent can be allowed to runaway with a Chinese, American or even a Venezuelan beauty but not a Pakistani girl. Now, here I am offended because clearly Girish Karnad has not seen any India vs Pakistan matches in Lahore or Rawalpindi. The most beautiful women cheering their lungs out for Shahid Afridi’s umpteenth comeback match. Sigh! Anyone will run away with them. Also, I learnt that RAW agents can’t retire. They never retire. They are just hunted down and shot, once they decide to retire.

6. Toot-ta Taara reference always works – This is an essential plot device in Karan Johar school of film making. You are supposed to cry and feel sad about something whenever there is a meteor shower. Whatever is said during this scene is very important and things usually happen. Pay a lot of attention during these scenes. I was so sucked into this scene that when Tiger asks Zoya, when was the last time it happened, I couldn’t stop myself from shouting “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai“, aloud.

7. Snake Eyes – It’s always the eyes, dammit. In a spy movie, one spy should never make eye contact with another. Agent Vinod had to say this about Kareena Kapoor, “Tumahri aankhen kisi ka katl kar sakti hain, par tum kisi ka katl nahi kar sakti.” and in Ek Tha Tiger, the RAW agent says, “Jo maine tumhaari aankhon mein dekha tha who kya tha?” Never, ever, make eye contact with the other spy. Those eyes suck you into the vortex of damnation and the resulting world tour, sponsored by the Government of India. Both our leading agents have suffered much because they dared to. Please don’t. The only other person who knows this fact, is Crime Master Gogo. Hence the famous, “आँखें  निकाल  के  गोटियाँ  खेलूँगा ” (I will rip your eyes out and play marbles with them). 

8. Suryavanshi strikes back – No, that is not Anton Chigurh, at the airport, posing as RAW agent Tiger. That, my friends, is a lovely hat tip to the wonderful Suryavanshi, an earlier Salman classic directed by Rakesh Kumar. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Uncanny resemblance. Isn’t it? I was almost gobsmacked when I saw that avatar of Salman. Priceless.

 

9. Kosovo is an independent republic – This, you would have known if you were in Chennai at the Music Kala Academy on 15th August, 2012 for the Landmark Open Quiz instead of celebrating Independence day with Katrina Kaif. You may say, even without going to the Landmark open, you have come to know this fact through Ek Tha Tiger. But did you know Kosovo has its map on its flag and the only other country to have its map on its flag is Cyprus. Only at the Landmark Open at Chennai.

10. Salman Khan has throat punching skills – Tiger throat punches a bad guy in Cuba. Although they are not as good as Liam Neeson but he does have skills, you know. Almost surreal and deadly. Obviously, these are such rare skills that no RAW supervisor can let go off. Add to that, his daal making skills and you know Tiger had it coming. 

That is all I had to share and I thank Kabir Khan for making a movie which has so much to teach and enlighten. Jai Ho!

Image credits: http://im.rediff.com/movies/2009/may/11slde7.jpg

 

Philosophy, Economics and the Hindi film song

When Paul Gauguin was a student, he had Catholic religion as a subject. His teacher was a Bishop, who had his own methods to inspire children, and to lead them to understand life and its deeper meaning. He had three fundamental questions in his course: “Where does humanity come from?” “Where is it going to?”, “How does humanity proceed?”. These three questions may not be that important in the classroom but inspired Gaugin much later to create a great painting.

The point, I am trying to make is, never ignore anything as trivial. What you consider as trivial may well be a deep philosophical tenet. All you have to do is notice. Carefully.

Here, we present to you some of the finest trivial pieces from Hindi film songs which you have ignored as trivial without realizing the deep hidden meaning within. I also believe that philosophy is greatest when presented in the most trivial form. Then, there is a higher meaning. As an old saying goes “चड्डी  पहन  के  फूल  खिला  है ” (lotus blooms in the swamp). Oh, actually, that will be “कीचड  में  ही  कमल  खिलता  है ”.

 

Chai mein dooba biscuit ho gayaa – This harmless line is part of the more famous “Chai Mein Dooba Biscuit Ho Gaya, Main To Ainvayi Ainvayi Ainvayi Ainvayi Lut Gaya” and most of us ignore the first part and have fun with the new found joy of discovering Ainvayi. Have you ever wondered what is the real meaning there? Imagine you are that biscuit and just have been dipped in a hot, steaming cup of tea. What are the possibilities? You may fall in the cup and be part of the vast ocean of tea. Or you may survive, only to face two inevitable possibilities. Either you are destroyed during the journey and fall down to the mighty earth or you meet your destiny and fulfill your raison d’etre, which is to be devoured and attain the highest state of Fanaa. This is it.

 

All in one, one in all – There are many reasons, why, you are not aware of this gem. One of them is, you consider yourself Amitabh Bachchan’s greatest fanboy or fangirl. Please, don’t insult my intelligence. I have done a Toofan-Jaadugar-Ganga-Jamuna-Saraswati marathon. Okay, I digress.

Before making some of us Crorepatis, Mr. Bachchan used to indulge in a bit of vigilante justice on-screen and this song is from one such epic B-Gold, Indrajeet. During one such mission in the movie, he saunters into a club where we find our four musketeers wanting to become ‘all in one, one in all’ with the pretty lady.

If you are thinking that when you see the video, you are wrong my friend. You are underestimating Gulshan Bawra, the great man who also gave us “Mere Desh ki dharti” and yes, this song is actually about national integration. Released during turbulent times when people were vastly intolerant, it pre-empted the Babri masjid demolition by a year and was preaching the message of national integration and how we should be “all in one and one in all”. Nobody noticed it then otherwise the “6^th December-1992” scar on the fabric of Indian secularism would have never appeared.

The song is hummable and melodious, given the fact that Pancham da is the composer. The fact that you are watching the glorious Mahesh Anand jiving to the groovy soundtrack makes the video highly watchable. Also, what makes this song great is, it easily gets an entry into the Hall of Fame for all ‘Reshmi Zulfein’ songs. Yes, I have a ‘Reshmi Zulfein’ Hall of Fame and a fetish for everything ‘Reshmi’. ‘Yeh hai Reshmi Zulfon ka Andhera’, ‘Yeh reshmi zulfein, yeh sharbati aankhen” and such like. The closest thing to this may be a succulent reshmi kebab.

 

Mat socho ki sastaa hai saudaa, fal paaye, lagaaye ga jo paudha – You have heard ‘Eena Meena Deeka’, danced to it, won an Antakshari challenge with ‘ई ’ using this and laughed at the whole madness. The greatest trick Kishore da had up his sleeve was he never let you realize the important hidden message, almost satanic, in those lines.

In Bhagwat Gita, Lord Krishna tells Arjun, who is struggling with his aim, in general and in life,

“कर्मणयेवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन। मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भूर्मा ते सङ्गोऽस्त्वकर्मणि”|

In short, “Do your job and don’t expect any result.” or be detached. In a very anti-Gita stance, Rajendra Krishnan, talks about results, economics and Return on Investment (ROI) which you will much later realize, after you get a degree in management education. Nobody remembers Rajendra Krishnan who took on religion, philosophy and the Bhagwat Gita, in his own style. What a great man!

 

Aaj baazar hi bik gaya re – Another gem about economics and free markets and you thought only textbooks can teach you economics. Stop drooling over the free samples on display and understand the real meaning. Why do you think they are giving their hearts for free? No, this is not ‘Dire Straits’ country. The reason is, when the market itself is sold, how or what can they sell? It’s a free for all after that. Try selling stuff in such a market and then you will understand the importance of Mr Amitabh Bhattachrya.  How effectively he embeds his wisdom in a jazzy song which also teaches you Mathematics 101. Yes, 75 is peechatarr and 77 is sattatar. There.

 

Take it easy policy – There is a reason we think P K Mishra is the greatest pop-philosopher ever. This song is not that reason as we have to give the credit to Mr. Vairamuthu for the original Tamil lyrics. However, for his copy-pasting skills and for his understanding of what works in Hindi and what doesn’t, we can’t say enough. We won’t say anything about the song and will want you to just watch this video, hear the song and understand it. Each and every line is a gem and always remember, “Jeet ka mantra hai, take it easy policy”.   

Image Credit: http://www.astrovidya.com/images/geeta.jpg

Baba Blacksheep – Jagaran

Children, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be flooded with dumb status messages by men and women who are jobless. Who’s gonna do it? You? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for humor, and you curse the internet. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That humor’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like ‘bhakti’, pop-culture, cricket and cinema. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent pretending something. You use them as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who rises and sleeps under the blanket of pseudo gyaan and humor (apparently) that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a PC, and write a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Now that the niceties are over, I summon you to come along on a journey of faith, mindlessness and unadulterated humor, which I promise to provide. You got to keep the faith. This space is not for the non-believers. You have to BELIEVE!

Also, there a few conditions to be part of this elite and exclusive club. You have to believe in these seven tenets:

1. Soldier (Bobby Deol and not Kurt Russel) is one of the greatest movies ever made.
2. P.K. Mishra was the greatest Bolly-Pop philosopher ever born.
3. We can make fun of Indian cricket team including Sachin Tendulkar. Yes, Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar, willow-waale. Nothing is sacred apart from Baba’s words.
4. Archana Vijay is the best thing to happen to Indian cricket since Virat Kohli. Err…Shibani Dandedkar (sheepishly).
5. Fake IPL player was the truth and had to be hushed up because of the higher powers (The four lettered monster)
6. Anushka Sharma
7. All rumors are true. Remember, you have to BELIEVE!

Hat Tip – A Few Good Men (1992), Rob Reiner